I met God in Hell

I used to believe that God was only in the good. I used to believe that I would know God when I was worthy, and righteous. (Whatever righteous even means.)

I used to believe that it was when I got “there” that I would finally meet and know God. And yet, as much as I tried to live as perfect as I could, I didn’t feel any closer to God then I had the day before. Actually, it felt like I was swimming after a speed boat. No matter how fast I swam, God got further away.

And then moments of darkness in my life began to show up. Moments when my trauma memories shifted up; or moments of complete and total fear. These moments would paralyze me.

I began to feel extremely stuck. I felt like I had been placed inside a wooden box and the top had been nailed shut. I felt as though my breath was getting shortened and my fears would ultimately be the end of me.

These fears would creep in slowly and then roll their fingers through my hair until I was trapped within their grasp. The hope had been strangled and the light that once been there had been snuffed out.

It is here; always here in this space where I feel as though all is lost. It is here that I have wondered and contemplated my own ability to stay alive.

It is here, in the depths of my deepest hell that I always find God. In that moment when I feel like He is silent and has decided to abandon me; it is actually in this space and this time that He shows up for me.

In the hell.

In the fear.

In the darkness of being trapped.

This is where I find God.

It surprises me every time. It surprises me that He would appear in the midst of His complete opposite. How could He even exist within the utter despair and desolation? And yet, there He is. Not looking down at me, not reaching a hand out from above me, but there with me; at my lowest level. There in the depths of the darkness; God is there.

I find Him in the hell.

And then I feel His love. The love that deeply roots me while completely and totally surrounding me. I remember that God is actually within me, and that somewhere and somehow, even in my complete smallness- I am in Him. There is a remembrance of His goodness and His grace that comes back to me like a long forgotten moment of time. And I wonder how I had forgotten it.

For this is the memory of love.

The memory of who I truly am.

The memory that I am much larger than this experience here in this body of mine. That I am an expanse that is far greater than this moment of being trapped. I am the all-encompassing freedom that I have searched for in every physical form possible. The freedom that has been calling my name like a distant song from a luring siren; has, is and always will be here; within myself.

The freedom is only found within me.

God comes to remind me of THAT. He comes to remind me that He created me.

I am His masterpiece.

And though this shell that I currently am using as my home may have some broken pieces and may need some repairs; I am reminded that it is NOT me. This body is only the vehicle in which I am currently using to awaken my greatness.

I used to believe that God was only in the light. That He was indeed only in the heavens and in the goodness. I used to believe that He was only tangible in our worthiness and in our holiness.

But the truth is, that where I meet God over and over is in the hell. Where I feel His warmth, His strength and His divine support is in the suffocating darkness of that hell.

And I praise God for that hell.

Because this is where I get to see Him.

CALL TO ACTION

I believe that it is in our desire to heal and move forward that we awaken our greatness. In my new book, “The Hidden Gifts Within the Trauma of Sexual Abuse,” I outline my story of healing from trauma and the principles of healing I learned along the way. I am offering you, the first chapter of my book for free.

Click here for the first chapter of my book for free.

And if you want more… follow along with me on Instagram @Keira Poulsen.